What happened?

Let’s chat, shall we?

Let me start by saying that I’m trying an experiment and moving the free fiction to Friday. I want to see if it has better results there. (catch last week’s now) Not going to lie. This is all about the exposure. Me running the free fiction does no good if only a few people are reading it. I want more eyes on it.

If you were looking for my progress blog that I usually run on Monday and didn’t see it, you’re not imagining things. I didn’t run it. I had originally thought that it would be a way of me being publicly accountable, and I still like that idea, but I’m not sure anyone really cares. I thought someone might be interested in seeing how all gets done in my life and the incremental baby steps it takes. I had hoped that it would inspire others. Instead, I feel as if it didn’t have the intended effect. I also didn’t come back to review it like I thought I would.

Feeling like no one really cared culminated with other factors (cold, snow, gray skies, working many hours, little sleep, and a desperate need for sunshine) into a massive depression for me. Massive.

I don’t like talking about my depression or admitting that I have it. I’ve seen others with depression and mine is very mild comparatively. Usually I can resolve mine by getting more sleep. Not this time. I had the stupid little voices working away in my head and they wouldn’t leave me be. I began to feel destructive. Worse, I couldn’t cry. I felt as if I could vent with tears, things might be okay.

The more the voices told me what a failure I was, how I was getting nowhere, how no one cared about what I was doing, that I was just shouting into the wind, the more I wanted to quit and crawl in a cave. Then came the moment when I merely wanted to be dead.

Yep, okay, I went there. I really hate admitting to that. I can’t tell you how many times in recent years I’ve asked the universe why the hell I’m still alive. What more does it want from me? If I can’t get what I want, if my life is just this same stupid struggle, if I’m just insane doing the same damn thing and expecting different results, why the bloody hell am I still here? Why am breathing and wasting oxygen?

My consolation now in reading this is knowing that there’s only a handful of people that will actually read this far.

So I was that depressed. I wish I could say it makes me feel better to admit it. It doesn’t. And look, don’t send help. It’s taken me years of trying to get my hormones back on track so that I could write again that I don’t want to be thrown off track again. I just want to explain that I”m not emotionless as some people believe I am, or just in a constant state of anger as others think. I just prefer to self-gate the depths of what I feel because I don’t think others could handle my emotions. I’m an artist. I need my feelings. I need to understand my motivations. I play all the parts in my story; I am not an actor of a single character, but I am god of all.

With that being said, I did just have to break something. I didn’t want it to be my word streak, though I probably should have just to get some extra sleep. Rather, it was easier to cast off the blog for a bit. Then I got whined at. Thanks, Sally. She wanted more of the story. She won. She knows I hate disappointing readers. Yes, she played that card with me. She won. Then she went on to tell me, “Ha! Look at that!” when the post got more than 2 likes. That’s why I decided that maybe I needed to try a different day.

The sun came out. I got to sleep in a bit. I didn’t force myself to get up in the morning to work on audio. I kept up my writing streak. Rather than forcing myself up to a standard I was having issues keeping, I let it break for a moment. I went to see my son’s play multiple times. I hung out with family. And I started to feel better and pulled myself out of the nosedive.

We all need storms sometimes.

It made me think about what I wanted to do here on the blog. If you enjoyed reading the progress blogs, let me know. Either send me a message or leave a comment. I will do the yearly progress blog because I enjoy reviewing the whole year. I’m just not certain I want to keep up the weekly one. Maybe monthly? Quarterly? If you have an opinion, let me know.

I’m also thinking about running a second story concurrently, maybe on another day. I write enough that I could probably pull this off. Would you be interested in seeing a second work in progress on another day? Monday maybe?

More story and art?

I’d really like to hear your comments. Let me know what you’d like to see here. I’m an entertainer. If you follow me, then there must be something I do which you like. Let me know what that is so I can give you more.

Otherwise, I’m likely to just keep doing what I’m doing and shouting into the wind.

I’d rather be spreading joy and magic. Help me do that.

Thank you!

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