Let me start by saying that I’m trying an experiment and moving the free fiction to Friday. I want to see if it has better results there. (catch last week’s now) Not going to lie. This is all about the exposure. Me running the free fiction does no good if only a few people are reading it. I want more eyes on it.
If you were looking for my progress blog that I usually run on Monday and didn’t see it, you’re not imagining things. I didn’t run it. I had originally thought that it would be a way of me being publicly accountable, and I still like that idea, but I’m not sure anyone really cares. I thought someone might be interested in seeing how all gets done in my life and the incremental baby steps it takes. I had hoped that it would inspire others. Instead, I feel as if it didn’t have the intended effect. I also didn’t come back to review it like I thought I would.
Feeling like no one really cared culminated with other factors (cold, snow, gray skies, working many hours, little sleep, and a desperate need for sunshine) into a massive depression for me. Massive.
I don’t like talking about my depression or admitting that I have it. I’ve seen others with depression and mine is very mild comparatively. Usually I can resolve mine by getting more sleep. Not this time. I had the stupid little voices working away in my head and they wouldn’t leave me be. I began to feel destructive. Worse, I couldn’t cry. I felt as if I could vent with tears, things might be okay.
My six-sided painting. I was pretty excited to find this canvas. I knew immediately that I wanted to do a space painting on this. Once I felt ready, I painted the canvas black. The picture above shows it all prepared and ready.
My first layer:
It’s hard not to block a painting in like this and not absolutely hate it and fear that it’s been messed up. But, the painting must continue.
Here’s the next layer:
Now we’re getting some of the misty cloudiness into the piece.
In the next layer, the stars start to shine:
More layers come next, more stars, and adding some of the black of space back in. Finally we end up with this:
There was a point at which I really messed everything up. I didn’t grab my phone to take a picture though; I knew my paint was drying quickly. That probably returned the fun to this painting. I’d started to take it too seriously and quit having fun with it. In causing a catastrophe on the canvas and knowing I had little time to fix it, I had to attack it with courage and release everything. Believe me, at the time I really wasn’t sure I’d be saving it. It was extremely hard to release the fear. Words make it sound so easy, but at the time it was horrible. I instantly projected myself into the future where I had to paint the canvas black once more to restart and regretted the past where I wished I hadn’t touched it so much. I was everywhere but the present.
Grounding yourself with courage puts you firmly in the moment. There’s an obstacle that must be overcome and only by stepping forward can this obstacle be hurdled.
This painting could have easily gone the other way where I did have to go through the future of repainting it that I had imagined. However, I’m glad I kept working it and gave myself the chance.
This blog comes about because of a post I saw on Facebook. I’m posting a clip of it below without any names.
Simple enough until a Debby Downer had to comment that these was words of hope until the darkness smothered you. I am paraphrasing, but barely. I was tempted to leave a comment, but couldn’t bring myself to.
I woke the next morning with this still ruminating through my mind.
I am not immune to the events of the world. Were I to be completely honest, I would admit my extreme dislike of humanity. I’ve spoken this aloud a few times, to which those around me delight in reminding me that I am human. A flaw in my character, believe me.
But I write because I want to have hope. Note that I didn’t say that I had hope, but rather that I want hope.
I do like several person on this planet we call home and cannot escape. But, I write to hang out with people who are champions and take on mantles that lead others into better lives. I write so that I can show people how to have courage, how they can choose to be better.’
The more I thought about this, the more I remembered that we all have choices. I usually say that in conjunction with people doing something that they want to do: write, paint, dance, sew, cook, whatever their talent is that they want to follow. But we have choices in our entire life.
I personally think that Debbie Downer is watching far too much news and hanging on every bad thing that happens in the world. Most people do. Now, I’m not advocating being uninformed, but I am saying, “Turn off the news!” When you listen to the talking heads (and that is just what they are), you pick up on their emotions. Those emotions influence what you are feeling along with their words. It imprints you, and usually negatively because good news doesn’t sell. Only misfortune gets ratings. So turn that crap off.
Then, when you read the headlines in the newspaper, as yourself if you want to bring that energy into your life or not. When you see a story about a girl being killed when hit by a truck, is that really something you want to spend your energy on? It’s not going to bring the girl back. Her family feels miserable. The driver of the truck, we hope, feels guilty and terrible. But it doesn’t change the situation. Do you really need to know more than the headline? Probably not. Why let it tap your energy any more? Make the choice to move along. Go read the story about Toys for Tots needing more donations. That’s actually something you might be able to help out with, to make a difference.
The Hermit use to be one of my least favorite cards of the Tarot, and one I got quite frequently. Then one day I read a great description in one of the books with a new deck I’d gotten. It talked about The Hermit, solitary, holding his light up for the world to see. He was a beacon, choosing to be alone, an individual of his own thoughts and actions. Someone could look upon him and his light and see a life worth living. He walks in the world, but does not let it taint him. Since then, I have taken that to heart and that is how I have chosen to live my life.
I might be human, but I am striving to be The Hermit. I want to be the reflection of what I wish to see in the world.
I don’t always succeed. I am, after all, human.
That won’t stop me from trying.
I realize I’m in charge of my choices. Every day, every moment. I can’t control the energy of others, but I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. Instead of concentrating on outside factors that I cannot control, I will focus on myself and what I can do.
This is my mission for 2019. I’d love for anyone brave enough to read this blog to join me. I may only be one, but I will be a light. If you join me, we make two. Maybe a third will join us, then a fourth. Be strong. Be love. Be the light.
Here in the states, we are celebrating Thanksgiving today.
I know I have readers from many different countries, so today I would like to share my Thanksgiving with all of you, whether you are in the U.S. or not.
I certainly have many things to be grateful for.
Thank you for being a reader of my blog, my Twitter, my Facebook, my newsletter, or however you find me. Thank you for following me. Pure and simple.
Thank you to those of you who like and share what you read.
Thank you for your comments, whether they have been on my blog or to me via email or spoken.
Thank you for letting me share with you the things I find and believe entertaining or helpful. It delights me when I can share things I’m a fan of too.
Thank you for allowing me to not be perfect. I certainly never claimed to be and I’m glad I can fix forward.
Thank you for letting me share my stories and thoughts. Thank you for being there on my adventures. Thank you for sharing a moment in time with me on this small world. I hope that some of what I do (especially in my blog) entertains and occasionally makes you laugh.
Thank you for being with me through trying times and through my successes. Thank you for listening to me talk to myself sometimes, giving my pep talks, and hoping that others might find encouragement from them.
This is now the fifth time I’ve started this blog post. The writing is not coming easily today and emotions are getting in the way.
I wish to send my thoughts to Stan Lee’s family and friends. While I never actually had the chance to meet him, my son ran into him several times at conventions. I would like to think that we would’ve gotten along quite well, both of us being creators and all.
I am thankful that I get to be a creator. Even on days when the writing isn’t going well. I know this too will pass. It, more than likely, is actually a stalling period right before a major idea strikes. Pregnant women often talk about how the baby stops moving right before it’s born, as if the child is conserving energy. Well, that didn’t happen with either of mine that I recall, but I know it happens with ideas. Usually there is a short time where I feel lacking all creativity. Then, suddenly, BANG! The story is out of the gate.
I knew that I didn’t want to draw a cactus, at least not a plain cactus, since that was the “low-hanging fruit” on this picture. As I let myself start thinking deeply about this prompt, I started thinking about what makes me prickly. The topic started to make me uncomfortable, so that’s how I knew I was on the right path. I started thinking about how once someone has been hurt by love, they can get prickly and not want anyone close to them.